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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Suspicious Salsa's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, October 27th, 2005
8:42 am
[gummywormz]
Poem
Someone give me some feedback. It was written for a person I may have a wee bit of a cruh on.

-Unfinished-

There was once a heart
Who had loved so far
That it was torn apart
Like a falling star.

And the star fell down,
Fell on through the sky
And sprinkled the ground
Like tears from an eye.

And down soft lips to kiss
The tear's path soon grows
To something soft as bliss
Like the petals of a rose.

And the dear rose blushes
Swaying to the song, shy,
That is sung by the thrushes
Dancing like the butterfly.

And the butterfly in flight,
Against the wind it strains
And makes it's galant fight
Like a voice against chains.

And the voice with her 'round
Can only form simple stutters
And makes no audible sound
Like the heart in love, flutters.

Current Mood: lonely
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
1:48 am
[trouble131]
Are you happy in your house of ice?
Living so far and so long without touch.
Have you gotten used to the quiet,
And the cold emptiness next to you at night?
How can you live this lie of half a life?
Living a lie for love and loving the lie,
And loosing all backbone at the sound
Of a fake cry.
Thursday, March 10th, 2005
9:03 am
[gummywormz]
Unfinshed Poems
Here are some unfinished poems I've written. Leave a comment with what you think!

i remember when we used to sit on the porch out back
we'd talk for hours while your mom brought us snacks
we were closer than any two could ever be
now it's so hard not to have you with me
i can't help but look back on those days and smile
sometimes i just have to sit and reminisce for a while
i would give my whole world just to go back to before
but it'll never happen 'cause you're not here anymore
every now and then i think i you for going away
but i know i'll always love you in that special kinda way

---------------------------------------------

i've sat for awhile, trying to calculate
how to say things i can't articulate
it's so hard to say the things on my mind
i keep looking but the words are hard to find
it's okay, though, 'cause i can say it better
if i sit and write these things in a letter
when i get to see you, my knee's turn to butter
and then when i open my mouth, i just stutter
it's like there's a storm inside of my head
i blurt things out and then regret what i said
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
1:53 am
[trouble131]
Chilled and forgotten,
My skin cold as stone,
Then memories of your touch
Inspire a blaze from within.
The desire burning deep
into my soul.

Lips long absent haunt my nights,
My dreams filled with fire.
And though I wake rested,
I begin to crave
Reasons for feeling tired.
Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
11:26 pm
[trouble131]
Last time
The last day I spent with you,
The last time I saw you,
If I had known....
I would have hugged you one more time,
I would have held you a little tighter,
I would have kissed you one last time,
And told you how much you meant to me....

Now all I can do is dream of you,
And wish the dreams were real,
Never wanting to wake up....

Current Mood: creative
Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
1:31 pm
[trouble131]
Letting the words flow through me,
Of the things I see,
Things that have not happened yet,
Things that are yet to be,
Words were spoken in anger,
And feelings were hurt,
You cannot take them off as easily
As you can remove your shirt.
The price was my tears and my heart
For the things that you do,
And having made a choice,
My debt is now paid to you.

The path you walk is blocked,
There are many obstacles in the way,
And come sometime tomorrow,
You may not wish to stay.
Ask yourself why you walk there,
A road that only circles
To where you have been,
You said you do not seek the past
yet that is the puddle you are standing in.
Murky, muddy, dirt of old
That you claimed to have washed off.
Yet if I was to point this out,
You would only laugh and scoff.

The path is uneven,
You will stumble and fall,
You buy the deception,
and heed the siren's call.
You claim to see with clarity,
While being blind,
To the facade that has been painted
with you in mind.

Enjoy your freedom now,
For soon it will be gone,
Piece by piece it will fade,
And you will find caged.

Current Mood: creative
Saturday, May 15th, 2004
4:43 am
[trouble131]
Happiness
Happiness before you...
Sleeping in,
chocolate cookies,
the peaceful quiet of my own place,
hot showers....

Happiness with you...
My heart beating so fast I thought I would die,
my toes tingled,
I heard the sound of snoring,
a shared crossword puzzle,
the sun on your sleeping face...

Happiness after you....
Fleeting at best,
like a slight movement
out of the corner of my eye....


SCB 5-15-04

Current Mood: contemplative
Thursday, March 11th, 2004
3:33 pm
[trouble131]
My heart keeps pulling in one direction,
Its tempting to let it run there....
Yet I still fear what will happen at the season's end,
My legs shake on this fragile ground we call friend.

It would not be so bad to love you, I know,
That in itself is not hard....
What tends to follow after I have given my heart over,
the pain when the loved one prefers another lover.

My heart keeps telling me about you,
How deserving you are....
Yet my experience tells me to be ready for the day
When I will not be good enough and you go another way.

I wish I could be carefree
and love without guilt or care
I wish I could believe this will be different
and I will not end up heartbroken and in despair.

Current Mood: confused
Monday, March 1st, 2004
11:33 am
[trouble131]
Too many questions in my head,
keeping me awake much too late...
Too many worries filling me with dread,
about the fruit I should not taste.

I thought I could move
without my heart,
fool, that I was,
And now I live in fear
for what is to come.
The path Ive wallked too many times,
I know every step so well.
Time, yes its only a matter of time.
How does that story go?

The details differ with each re-telling,
But some of the elements still are the same,
And it ends with me alone, again and broken,
Looking for ways to end my pain.

I must have a hope saved somewhere,
Somewhere deep inside.
That the time will come when
I will be matched with desire,
when the wanting on one side does not fade.
When someone will want what I have to give,
And not cast me aside.

Current Mood: confused
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
3:11 am
[trouble131]
Can you sleep now
With your conscience clean?
Have you found a way to explain
it all away to yourself,
in nice little compartments.

I'm sorry I never fit any exact niche,
and I'm sorry I never fit in your world.
Id like to tell myself that you tried,
A neat precise reason would be nice.
But the definite was always sparse with you.
You filled my head with endless maybe.

I never needed much,
and never asked for much,
But somehow you failed
In what I needed:
A little time,
A little attention,
and just a little certainty.

You had been so well schooled
in certain techniques,
and so careful in your manners,
it must be hard to believe,
The reason, which I see so clearly.
Your world was too full of you,
There was no room for anyone else.

Current Mood: melancholy
Friday, January 23rd, 2004
11:40 am
[trouble131]
How can you smile?
How can you look so happy
when I'm dying inside?
Your eyes lit up
and again my heart was torn away.
It would have been yours,
But you never wanted it.
For the best, I tell myself.
For the best for us both.
Two natures that were not meant
To meet on terms other than brief
touching, quick bursts
of passion's fire.
It was only lust
I tell my heart,
And still it breaks
when I see your face.
It could never have been
I tell my soul,
Still it dreams of other worlds
and other times
when the differences mattered not.
Logic says to put it behind me,
Go on with my life.
And Wisdom whispers that
this a love that shall never end,
that forever whether he wants it or not,
my heart is his for the taking.

SCB 1994
Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
9:39 pm
[trouble131]
I was broken and I cried,
Cried out into the darkness,
I'm alone and cold, so cold and alone.

Then somehow I felt warmer,
As if someone had lighted
A blaze around me...
And I felt an arm fall across my body,
Though no arm could actually be there...
And I heard a voice in my head
Though no one was there to speak
the words:
You are not alone.

Current Mood: confused
Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
3:50 pm
[trouble131]
Empty, alone, without hope,
And the silence hurts my ears.
In his arms for a time
I was warm again,
But the doubt came with him.
His actions said things,
his eyes could not back.
His hands said things,
His mouth never will.
And yet, despite the doubt,
I still hope and wait.
Waiting for the clarity
Only time can give.

Current Mood: contemplative
Sunday, January 11th, 2004
5:55 pm
[trouble131]
Thinking of you makes me smile,
Your eyes,your lips, your smell,
How wonderful your skin feels,
Hands that make me tremble,
Kisses that make my toes tingle,
Your smile and your laugh...
Things I am missing.
But not as much as your arms,
They should be holding me just now.

Current Mood: creative
Friday, January 9th, 2004
4:05 pm
[trouble131]
Ive been spending so much time waiting,
Waiting for you to remember me,
Waiting for you to realize I'm still here,
Finally I get the smallest of hope,
I somehow get your attention,
But not for long....

I wanted a break from being smothered,
From being confined, suffocated, by someone,
But I did not know how the opposite would be.
Waiting for a phantom, chasing a shadow,
Hoping,
Holding my breath,
Wishing for something that may never be.

Current Mood: crushed
Thursday, January 8th, 2004
8:27 am
[trouble131]
Is forever time enough
To heal this deep gash in my heart?
Will then I be able to leave behind
My restless, sleepless nights,
Knowing you await me in the dreams,
Fearing I'll never wish to awake again?
Will forever be enough time
For my memoies of you to fade
So I can embrace the clear, starry nights,
Trace the constellations,
Without wanting to weep?
Will I then be ble to have a quiet moment to myself
and not miss your infectous smile?

SCB 1994

Current Mood: crappy
Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
11:50 pm
[trouble131]
The time we had was just enough,
to keep me young,
to capture my heart,
to steal my dreams.

"just for now" was just enough,
for all there was to be.

Now that time has passed,
it leaves me haunted by your smile,
in every song I know,
in every starry night.

Everytime I cry, I lie to myself
that it was just enough.

Knowing it would never have been enough,
if I had said those words,
if I had let you see my tears,
to touch you as deeply
as you touched me.

I was never enough for you.


SCB 1994

Current Mood: creative
11:28 am
[trouble131]
I wove the fantasy for myself,
Remembering how it all felt,
Your touch, your kisses, your scent,
And I lost myself for a moment...
When it was over I found myself,
Alone, shivering, and lost...
Then came the tears,
I couldnt stop them.
They fell into a pillow
The pillow that no longer smells of you.
Monday, January 5th, 2004
7:43 am
[trouble131]
There is more to love than sex. And there is more to life than love. But such a love and such a life would be a bland existence. Every day would be passing through a house with white on white walls and white tile floors. Every room the same, no change, no color, nothing to excite the senses.
Perhaps my descents into the darker emotions are frightening,
but their colors look warm and welcoming next to the sheer blankness of never feeling at all.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
2:31 pm
[trouble131]
I want to be just like that tree
outside my window,
naked and strong against the wind,
with a purpose and place in the world.

Current Mood: cold
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